Baney's Predicament

Baney made a personal vow not to be late for class the rest of the school year. His mom and dad had lectured him about accepting maturity and taking responsibility for his choices and actions in high school.  Baney made his goal simple: he just wanted to get to class before the late bell. High school was difficult enough without having to complicate it with maturity and responsibility all the time.

So far, his Sophomore grades were average across the board.  He tried out and made the soccer team -although just second string- and he was pretty sure Jenny Corlis might, sort of, like him- but who could tell what girls like. Everything seemed pretty much teenage normal. His chronic tardiness was a problem that tended to get him into trouble with his teachers, which tended to get him in trouble with his counselor, which tended to get him in trouble with his parents... too complicated.

Baney's tardy issues stemmed from how easily he got distracted. Almost anything going on in the school hallways like Nerf Frisbee challenges, text book hockey, watching the janitor buff the lunchroom floor caused him to be late to class. Running a gauntlet of varsity bullies -showing off for their cheerleader girlfriends- made him late to gym class however was a slightly different problem. His distractions varied from day to day and usually got him into hot water that ended with him being sent to Mr. Hammer the Vice Principal's office. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t going to achieve any on time goals this day. Sliding quickly up to his locker, between first and second period, he smacked his friend Detrick- the German exchange student- on the back of the head.
"Jah, you gonna be late again Baney." Detrick laughed.
 Ignoring Detrick's banter in an effort to save time, Baney deftly thumbed his combination and flipped open his locker door. Everything was the way he had left it, in alphabetical chaos. A quick grab of his science book, a one-handed mouth-zip of his folder cover and he turned to kick his locker closed. That's when it all happened. Things went sideways like reflections in a carnival fun house mirror. Then flashing light, magnified to solar flare intensity blinded him. Baney heard a loud sucking sound as he was pulled into the narrow opening of his beige school locker.

When he finally regained partial eyesight he tried to stand up and failed. He didn't fail standing, it was the up part he failed. He sort of stood-up sideways, not really standing on anything. The space he occupied reminded him of his mother's famous molded pineapple-lime jello dessert. Everything was all tinted green, wobbly and sideways. Baney stared at what resembled pineapple chunks in his mother's dessert, only these shapes were the size of Volkswagens and had red, neon glowing eye. Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembered he was on his way to Mr. Jergens science class.

A quick survey of his surroundings revealed a narrow slit far behind one of the pineapple life-forms suspended in front of him. Could that bright slit be the opening to his locker he thought? Not one to think too hard, Baney began to make his way through the jello-like substance. His forward motion was like running-in-a-dream slow. His pace afforded him enough time to contemplate maturity and responsibility his parents had spoke of, but not the inclination. Each move forward attracted more of the pineapple-chunk creatures. They started to converge on him. This bizarre situation resembled a whacked-out video game.

Baney stretched out his arm and miraculously grasped the edge of the slit he believed to be the opening to his locker. With effort only a second-string soccer player could muster, he pulled himself through the opening while noises -similar to air escaping from a stretched balloon mouth- accompanied his efforts. He fell from his locker, flat on his face with wobbling chunks of green jello and pineapple bits splattered around him. During his ‘inter-dimensional’ escapade, Baney had accidentally broken open his brown lunch bag.  He sat and wiped himself off as a hallway packed with students laughed at him. Looking up from the floor, he saw Jenny Corlis sail by mouthing the words, "you're late for class, AGAIN." She giggled and hit him on the head with her thick science book.

That cinched it Baney thought, Jenny did like him. The late bell rang, Mr. Jergens began to salivate outside his classroom door, Detrick stole his sandwich and Baney couldn't find his science folder. It looked like his attempt at maturity and responsibility would have to wait until next period.

Final Frontier

While taking the dogs out for a walk in the forest one last time before bed, I looked up into the clear night sky and enjoy all the stars I didn't see while wandering through my many years of urban life. Amongst the scent of pine and deer droppings, I casually wondered if all the ancients that ever looked up into the same night sky, up into space, -those that obsessed with it's mysteries and vastness- I wondered if they ever entertained thoughts about escaping this planet. 

So far we can't escape our planet, like taking a Disney vacation to the moon or colonizing mars on the lay-a-way plan. And if you adhere to the concept of the earth as center of the universe, then you’re instantly at your destination. The place every other sentient entity in the universe strived to come to; but didn't. 

Today I don't think we wonder about the mysteries and vastness of space, I think we selfishly want to leave this planet and go somewhere else, screw the mysteries, we're bored, discontent and lack unselfish thought. 

Not until Uranus has cable and wifi will we even consider venturing into the final frontier. Not even if Capt'n Kirk has expanded a Trekkie hamburger franchise in the middle of the milk-shake way. 

We've lost our eloquence. We've shed our pioneering spirit. We've abandoned our golden age, all for a super sized, Kali Yuga happy meal.....